If u thought that depressed human being wanna be happy, u r wrong. We don’t care about that. All we want is to not feel pain. The pain that makes us to consider suicide. The pain that break us. The pain that keep us from feeling happy. The pain that no one understands. The pain is invisible. U can’t see it or touch it, u can only feel it. And it’s impossible to describe it to someone who hasn’t ever undergo it. The sad thing is that we r all alone. We only have pain. We can try to ignore it but it will always come back. Even if we r having the best time in our life, suddenly a bad feeling fill us and we r trap.

Alcohol. We think it helps us to ease pain. Maybe at first. We think ”Aah lets go to a night club to dance and have fun!” But we forget that depression doesn’t want us to be happy. So eventually we just find ourselves crying and crawling in self-pity. And only one_little_thing can ruin our night. Whether it’s a wrong word from a friend or a mean look from someone or we just remember smth bad that happened years ago. We have ruined the night just by being ourselves. We apologize and they say that it’s okay. But we see the disappointment in their faces and then we hope we could just vanish so we don’t cause resentment to others anymore. We isolate ourselves bcuz we don’t wanna be a burden to anyone. Even if they would like to be with us, we refuse and rather be home alone tucked in and watching netflix. We hope that people would just leave us alone but at the same time we hope they would hug us and be there for us.

Do u know why people watch so much tv-series and movies? Bcuz it’s a way to escape the reality. U involve urself so deeply in a show or a movie that u don’t even remember u r alive. And when a show ends, a empty feeling captures u and u have to get back in ur own life.
The same thing is about sleeping. U close ur eyes and go to dreamworld where everything is possible and u can do whatever u want. U can be with ur loved ones or do things that u never would do in the real world. And after waking up, u don’t even remember who u r and where u r, it lasts only few seconds but it’s the best feeling in the world. And then u r back in the same shit like always. Or u have nightmares that remind u about the pain and all the bad things that has happened to u. And u wake up and find urself yelling or crying. And u can’t even think that ”Phew it was only a dream” bcuz those things has actually happened to u and they never leave u alone.

Depression makes us feel guilt. It says: ”Look yourself and ur life. What a nice boyfriend/wife/dog/couch/friends/home u have. Alot followers in instagram, a nice job, physically healthy, holidays r coming and much more.” Then we think that why do we feel like this. Everything is going well. We feel even worse bcuz everything is fine externally. In comparison to those who live in a war zone or who don’t even have food, we r living in a luxury. What about those who lost their parents or who don’t have home? Why am i depressed even though everything is fine. But still it isn’t.

Funny thing about depression is that we r afraid of being happy. And isn’t that the thing we want most? Maybe we r afraid of losing it. Or maybe we just don’t know how to be happy. If the pain is gone what is left? Pain is like crutches that help us stand. Pain has become a friend to us. We can’t let go of it. We r so used to it that we don’t know how to be without it. Or maybe we think we don’t deserve to be happy. I actually feel guilty when i find myself smiling. And even surprised. It feels strange. We need someone to remind us that there’s nothing wrong about laughing. Happy moments, even just brief ones, r the only thing that keeps us sane.